Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A Confession in Faith

This blog is about our kids and our family...  so this is something that I truly felt needed to be posted.  These are the thoughts that occured to me during church on Sunday and I had to put them in writing.

I had a very eye opening event in my life recently that I wanted to share, but first some background.

I have never considered myself to be a Christian.

Back in the early 90's Boyd and I wanted to start a family... but lo and behold, I could not seem to be able to conceive. Some would say I was baron due to scar tissue build up over years of endometriosis. At that time it was lie threatening to have the surgery to remove the scar tissue completely and still conceive. We went for the injection route to stop the cycle of endometriosis and I never had a cycle afterwards...

Well, as luck would have it, we were both open to adoption as a means of having a family... We chose China after many hours of pros and cons and talking about our fears in each area of where we would adopt from. I know many today even say we should have adopted from the U.S. But we didn't. We added Kali in 1997 to our family. We could not have been happier! She was and still is our daughter from the day we saw her picture. A couple years later we met a family waiting to adopt from China. We became friends and when their daughter came home, we happily enjoyed their company and their baby girl so much, we decided to try again from China. That way Kali would have a sibling experiencing what she does. So in 2000 we added Kaci. She was a Baby.. we had actually asked for a toddler... but from the moment we received the call we knew she was ours. And we were done. We had a complete family.

A few years later we discussed an older child adoption. Surprising ourselves that we would even think of such a thing. And a special needs adoption at that. Well, by then I was starting to pray because this was the first one we were questioning ourselves from beginning to end and even after we met Kole for the first time. We struggled and I knew that God had sent us to bring this boy home.

Notice anything unusual? I mentioned God. That's right. In those previous years, and previous adoptions not once did I think God was in that picture. Our own selfish wants to be parents turned into being for than a selfish act.

We took in an exchange student that next year. Yes, we are crazy. She was from Taiwan. She fit right in with our family and has made us proud to have her in our lives. We love this girl so much still. We started attending church wtih Vivian since that is something she did back home. It wasn't long afterward that Kali talked to me about being baptised. I could see no need for it at the time and had no idea what was involved and I was really scared of the tytheing part because when I was a kid the church we "had" to attend as kids required it. I was a fraid for my child to commit as I was afraid to commit.

We stopped attending church with Vivian about half way through her stay with us and hadn't been back except occasionally to drop off Kali to a youth group or Sunday school. Vivian had gone home a few months later and we were on the fast track with a lot going on. Always busy all the time, I wanted to add yet another child to our family, but finanaces never allowed.

Fast forward to last summer. WE looked at hosting an orphan but really didn't have the money to do it, so we just held off. Then I asked about it, but they already had all the host families, but if we would like to adopt, there was this boy in China. So we looked at his file and were all ready to adopt him, then another family was accepted to adopt him, so another was offered, and we just didn't connect, then the first became available again, and Boyd just couldn't connect. So we gave up. In July we received a call to host a young boy from the Philippines that the host family could not and he was already set to come over, we said sure! Most of the fees were paid already so we went for it.

He was so adorable and fun! He was 10 years old a little younger than Kaci. He had some English and he loved to attend church. We started to attend church and I was so sure that God had sent him to us that we had almost all the paperwork together to adopt him. Then our kids put in their 2 cents worth. This forced us to really look at the situation. And in the end John went back to the Philippines. With a heavy heart I prayed for this boy that I had come to love unconditionally. I prayed for the kids to have a change of heart because I wanted this boy to be our son so badly... It was not to be. I still pray daily that his forever family would find him.

Since John left, Kali asked me once again about being baptised. I said, well, talk to your youth minister.... well she told me "I know this is where I want to be". My comment at the time was, I don't know yet. It must have been at least 5 months later when I finally said, I will make the appt to speak with the Minister about it. Both girls went with me and I knew what I was doing was what I wanted to do and so did Kali. Kaci, however is still on the fence. Kali and I were both baptised in 2010. I am where I want to be at Athens Christian Church.

Here comes the wake up call.

I have always thought God's plan was for me was to adopt another orphan or to help with orphans in some way, so when I found out about yet another hosting program. I emailed promptly asking to be involved in some way and could we host again. The answer was no. That only families who were truly interested in adopting the child(ren) they were hosting would be accepted. My heart sunk to my toes and it was then that I realized God is telling me that his path is not to help in this way. I went through the greiving yet again of losing John of losing the part of my life that longed for that 4th child. I even went to a meeting about going on a mission trip to Canada or Africa.. That is not the path either. I could tell.

All this time my family discouraged even the thought of another child. And of course being told I shouldn't do this made me want to all the more. Now I realize his plan for meis something more basic. It is to be closer to the children I have and the family I have and give in another way altogether. I am not sure what that is yet, but I am sure it is just around the corner...

I knew today I needed to write this and put it out there for my friends to see. I am a Christian now and I will follow the path outlined to me.


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